The Rescue
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Sirius & Remus go to save Harry from the Dursleys. There's only one problem - Siri and Remmie are drunk.


Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I rented them from J.K. Rowling for a price of 50 cents an hour.   
  
WARNING: Thar be some naughty suff here! Be warned!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
The "Rescue"  
  
Sirius grinned happily as he raised his beer in a toast. "Good times, eh, Moony?" He asked, winking. "Never felt better in my whole life."   
  
Remus quirked an eyebrow. "Not the *best* of times, Padfoot, Voldemort is still around."  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Well, I'm still free, aren't I?"  
  
Just that morning, Sirius' trial had been wrapped up. Stupid Peter Pettigrew had been caught - right in The Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade! What had ever possessed the stupid great prat to stop in for a drink *there*, of all places, was a mystery, but he had and the Ministry had caught him. A week-long trial followed - under the influence of Veritaserum, Pettigrew had confessed to everything, and now Sirius was free!  
  
But that has nothing to do with this.  
  
This is about two guys getting drunk.  
  
Anyway, back to Siri and Remmie -   
  
"Good stuff, this, isn't it?" Sirius slurred two hours later.  
  
"Your mum sure was good last night," Remus snapped back.  
  
"What'd you say about Snape's truss?"  
  
Yes, that's right, kiddies - Padfoot and Moony were drunk as skunks.  
  
"Ahh, that hits the spot!" Sirius grunted, missing his mouth with the bottle and pouring beer all over his shoulder instead.  
  
"Heyyyyyy, Pooch," Remus slurred, throwing his arm across Sirius' shoulders. "Why don't we visit that kid of yours.... Hairy or whoever he is?"  
  
Sirius blinked. He was seeing three Remuses now, and he couldn't think straight. "Hairy?"  
  
"Ya know, kid..... with hair..... got the dad what we used to know.... That guy we always... showered with or something. Whassisname. That guy... always wore a shirt..."  
  
"Oh yeah... James... kid's name's Harry......"  
  
"That's who I said. Hairy. I think I taught him once......"  
  
"Yah, I could.... *hic* want to..... *hic* ....let's go...." Sirius and Remus stumbled out of the pub and out to the sidewalk, where Sirius' flying motorcycle was parked.   
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Where the hell does this Hairy kid live?" Remus mumbled an hour later.  
  
"Up your arse," Sirius giggled. "Like almost everyone else, eh, Remmie?"  
  
"Shut up, you prat," Remus yelled. "I am NOT a whore!" He paused. "And I remember being up *your* arse earlier, Padfoot."  
  
Sirius giggled again as he tried to make sense of his compass. "No, that was Snapey!"  
  
"Yah, Snapey's a whore...." Remus mumbled, then his chin dropped onto his chest and he began to snore. Sirius cast a bleary eye on the town below. Except, there were three towns. "Damn Muggle wizard-proof contrabulations," he grumbled. "Can't find... right house..." He landed the bike (miraculously) in front of #4 Privet Drive. He poked Remus. "Oi, Dumbledore, wake up!"  
  
Remus opened one eye. "How was the bachelor party?" he asked sleepily.  
  
"Your mum was the entertainment."  
  
"Really? I thought it was you in drag."  
  
"Nah, it was Snape."  
  
"Was he any good?"  
  
"Bloody terrible!" Sirius shouted, and lights began coming on inside #4.  
  
Vernon Dursley came to the door, scowling. His face turned from red to white when he saw the pair of wizards staggering up the walk. Worse, they were drunk. Who knew what a drunken wizard would do?   
  
Harry opened his window and looked out. Horrified, he saw his godfather and former professor staggering up the walk, giggling madly and holding on to each other to keep from falling. Even up on the second floor, Harry could smell the reek of alcohol fumes coming off them.  
  
"Oi! Postman!" Remus shouted, catching sight of Uncle Vernon. "Gimme my porno comics from Japan!"  
  
Sirius cackled. "Learn from them, don't you?" he asked Remus.  
  
"I'm damn good at what I do!" Remus yelled.  
  
"Ooooooh, yes you are, honey," Sirius said with a wink.  
  
Upstairs, Harry groaned. What was *wrong* with them? He leaned out the window to see what they would say to Uncle Vernon, who was purple with rage by now.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU?!" he demanded.  
  
"Me..... I'm...... Remus.. J..... something...." Remus giggled. "I..... teach kids....."  
  
"I'm Sirius Black! Escaped Convict!" Sirius shouted. "Class Stud of my year! The *dominant* one here!"  
  
Remus punched him in the arm. "And just *who* was on top last night?"  
  
"Snape!" Sirius shrieked, then collapsed in a heap, laughing madly.   
  
Harry was turning red upstairs. Was it just him, or was something going on between Sirius and Professor Lupin? But.. they *were* drunk..... maybe it was just the liquor talking....  
  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Uncle Vernon bellowed.  
  
Sirius staggered to his feet. "You gotst a kid here? Hairy Potter?"  
  
Uncle Vernon eyed them. "What do you want... *HIM* for?"  
  
"I'm his godfather!" Sirius announced proudly.  
  
Uncle Vernon turned white for the second time in ten minutes. "The... murderer?"  
  
"Yup!" said Sirius, grinning rather stupidly.  
  
"Yuh, he.... kills things...." Remus slurred. "Mostly the passion."  
  
"No, that was Snapey!"  
  
Remus giggled. "That's right." The two men looked at each other and crumpled to the walk, laughing madly. Sirius blinked up at Uncle Vernon. "Where's Hairy?" he asked. "Gonna take him home with me."  
  
Upstairs, Harry felt both excited and worried about that. He had read the "Daily Prophet" articles dealing with his godfather's trial, and he was thrilled to learn the possibility of going to live with Sirius was finally coming true. But - did he really want to go home with a pair of drunken wizards who were currently discussing Professor Snape's - er - sexual orientation?  
  
The answer, of course, was yes.  
  
In an instant, Harry was dressed and ready, all his stuff packed in his trunk and Hedwig locked in her cage. He leaned out the widow. "Oi! Sirius! Professor Lupin! I'll be right down!"  
  
"Heyyyyyyyyy! It's Hairy Potter!" Sirius said brightly, trying to wave but losing his balance and falling into Aunt Petunia's flowerbed. "The cool kid! Killed an ice-cream man, I hear!"  
  
"Cool, mate," Remus drooled; he wasn't looking at Harry, in fact, he was looking up at the moon. "Hey, I can see..... the Moon Kingdom from here........ I can look in Princess Selenity's windows....."  
  
"I want to see!" Sirius howled. "Where is it?"  
  
"Up your arse. Like Snapey."  
  
"No, he's up *your* arse, remember?"  
  
Harry dragged his stuff down the stairs and out into the front garden, trying not to smile at the looks on the Dursleys' faces. They all looked horrified at the thought of the neighbors finding drunken wizards sitting on the walk.   
  
Sirius managed to stand up, crushing more flowers as he did. He pulled Remus to his feet. "Heyy, Hairy, let's............ crash...." he said.  
  
"Do you mean fly?" Harry asked him.  
  
"Yahhh, that too!" Sirius chuckled.  
  
With some difficulties, they loaded Harry's trunk into the sidecar of Sirius' motorcycle. It didn't help that both Sirius and Professor Lupin found this operation strangely amusing, and randomly burst out into shrill giggles. Harry climbed in the sidecar with Professor Lupin with some trepidations; but *anything* would be worth going through to leave the Dursleys.... wasn't it? Sirius turned on the motorcycle and they roared off into the sky.  
  
"Wooooo, cold, isn't it?" Remus giggled. "It's like..... a freezer in here....."  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Er - Professor Lupin - are you all right?"  
  
"I'm a professor?" Remus asked in surprise, then began giggling again. "Call me Remus, Hairy...... but......wow."  
  
"I know what *you* teach," Sirius leered. "The fine art of jer-"  
  
"Umm, where are we going?" Harry asked quickly, cutting off his godfather in mid-sentance. (Frankly, he didn't want to hear what Sirius had been going to say.)  
  
"Um - the house, duh!" Sirius sniggered. "Where else?"  
  
"No, I mean, where *is* the house?" Harry asked.  
  
"Suuuuuuuperman ville, duuude!" Sirius and Remus yelled.   
  
(A/N : What they mean is, they live in Kent. Get it? Clark Kent.... Superman? [crickets chirping] ... Ok, I'll shut up now.)  
  
"Yahh, shut up, annoying chick!" Sirius shouted up at the sky.  
  
"Damn author, can't leave us alone!" Remus added, shaking his fist.  
  
Harry now found himself wondering how much Sirius and Prof - er, ok, Remus - had been drinking. It must have taken a lot to get them talking to invisible people in the sky. But still - *anything* was better than the Dursleys. He hoped.  
  
Three hours later, they landed in front of a small, neat cottage in Kent. Harry magicked his trunk into the house and into the spare bedroom Sirius showed him. (Just getting to the room was an adventure, what with Sirius bumping into or tripping over things the whole time, while Remus followed, giggling wildly.)  
  
" 'Kayyyyyyyy, Hairy," Sirius slurred (he seemed to be having trouble getting Harry in focus), "We'll be..... in bed... if you need us." He bent and kissed Harry's forehead (and a very scratchy, beard-stubbly, alcohol-smelling kiss it was). "G'night."  
  
"G'night, Hairy," Remus sniggered, and followed Sirius from the room.  
  
Harry smiled as he looked around at the pleasant room. He unlocked Hedwig's cage and opened the window for her, then got into his pajamas and climbed into bed. He was just dozing off when some rather loud screams of "Oh! Moony!" and "Yes, Padfoot, yes!" were heard from across the hall.  
  
Harry blushed deep red and pulled the blankets over his head.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Carefully pushing the bedroom door open with his shoulder, Harry carried a tea tray into Sirius and Remus' bedroom. "Breakfast!"  
  
Remus moaned. "Shhhh, not so loud," he begged pathetically. "My head....."  
  
Both men were lying perfectly still in their bed, covers pulled up to their chins and icepacks on their aching heads.  
  
"My mouth tastes like a bedpan," Sirius mumbled. "What were we drinking last night?"  
  
"Varnish, I guess," Remus groaned.  
  
Harry went to the window and pulled open the drapes. Bright sunlight shone in, and Remus shrieked.  
  
"Dear God! Not - SUNLIGHT!"  
  
And he disappeared under the covers.  
  
Sirius jumped out of bed, buck naked and with his hand over his mouth, and ran for the bathroom.  
  
Harry sighed, trying to ignore the retching noises from down the hall. He closed the drapes again, and Remus peeked out. "Thank you, Harry."  
  
Harry straightened Remus' icepack, then headed into the bathroom. He helped his godfather into his bathrobe, cleaned him up a bit, and steered him back to bed, placing the icepack on his head. "Take these," he said, handing a glass of water and some aspirins to Sirius and Remus. They did as they were told, and Harry left the room to let them sleep off their hangovers.  
  
"I wonder why wizards haven't found an instant hangover-curing potion...." he mused as he went into the kitchen, preparing to dispose of every drop of liquor in the house. Even the Boy Who Lived couldn't go through *this* again.  
  
THE END! 


End file.
